Category Archives: Relationships

Rekindling Relationships After Baby

Posted on April 10, 2015 by | Leave a comment

Q: Since our first child was born 8 months ago, my husband and I have been struggling in our relationship. We just don’t feel as close as we used to. It doesn’t help that we are still sleep deprived and don’t have the time or the money to go out on dates anymore. What can we do to improve our relationship?

A: First off, I want to share how completely common this sentiment is amongst all the new families that I meet, so go easy on yourselves. A lot of the adjustment has to do with managing your expectations. Here are some ways that you can work to adjust your expectations and make the transition as smooth as possible.

  1. Expect Change: The addition of a new baby brings a whole host of change to an already existing family structure. It is hard to believe this, but some of the change is temporary and will pass. It helps to know that a time of upheaval is normal and to be expected. At first, you may need to adjust your expectations about what you can accomplish during your day. At the end of the day, providing the love and nurturing that your baby needs is much more important than finishing that sink full of dishes, or making sure the bathroom is clean. It also helps to anticipate the changing of family roles. Before the baby arrives, take time to discuss how you will manage these changes. For example who gets up at night for the baby? Who wakes up first in the morning? Who does the meal prep? What changes need to occur to chore routines? Preparing for these changes in advance will help the transition to feel smoother.
  2. Find Ways to Connect: As sleep-deprived and time-limited as you are, there are things you can do to keep your relationship strong during this time of upheaval. This is important not only for you and your partner, but also for your children. Children’s individual sense of security is built as they are modelled healthy, affectionate relationships. First off, learn your partner’s love languages and find ways to express your affection in different ways (acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time). Second, create rituals of intimacy. This involves pre-planning spaces and time for you and your partner to connect. For example, plan to sit together as a family for dinner and discuss your day, or go to bed at the same time together and schedule in a time to talk about stresses of your day and encourage one another. Third, keep laughing! The more you can stay team-oriented as you handle poopy diapers, 5 am wake-up calls, and tantrums in the grocery store, the better you both will feel about dealing with the challenges that kids bring along.
  3. Stay Positive: Keep positivity alive! John Gottman, a well-known couples psychologist and researcher, found that in stable relationships, the ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict discussions was 5 : 1. In unstable relationships, the ratio went down to 0.8 : 1. That is a big gap! The presence of positive affect is critical! So whether that means using humour to lighten the mood during stressful times, or taking a step away when things start to get too heated, make a real effort to keep positivity alive! Having a baby is a huge change, but it does not have to be a time of stress and disconnect. With simple changes, you can make the transition to parenthood smooth and enjoyable.

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Balance Good, Bad In Friendship

Posted on February 19, 2015 by | Leave a comment

Q:  I have a friend that I have known and been friends with for years. There are a lot of great things about my friend, and I value our friendship.  The problem is that she is extremely negative; she’s overly critical, and always assumes the worst.  Her negativity really brings me down.  I find it exhausting to keep trying to show her the bright side.  I don’t want to ruin our relationship, but this negativity is toxic for me. Is there any way I can fix this and maintain our friendship?

A:  It says a lot about the strength of your friendship that it had lasted for so many years despite the negativity. Support and empathy are crucial for when people you care about are going through a hard time, but there is a difference between having a hard time and making a hard time out of everything.  I am assuming that your friend is not going through a hard time and that she is not suffering from depression.  My suggestions would be a lot different if either of these things were the case.  It is very brave of you to take a critical look at your friendship. There are a few things you can do to try to disengage from your friend’s negative energy without severing the friendship. First of all, stop trying to show her the bright side.  Likely, you will find it less exhausting if you just don’t engage with the negativity.  This means not trying to convince your friend that she is wrong or that she should be thinking more positively.  Neither do you need to agree with her negative statements.  You certainly do not need to think or feel the same as she does.  For example, say the two of you went to a movie, which you thoroughly enjoyed.  At the end of the movie, she pointed out all the things she didn’t like about the movie, the theatre, and the audience.  You could just give a noncommittal response like “Hmmm, it doesn’t sound like you had fun.”  You are not responsible for your friend’s happiness, or any of her feelings for that matter.  And she is not responsible for yours.  You don’t have to let go of your enjoyment of the show just because she was critical.  Practice holding your own emotional space and boundaries while accepting that hers are different.  This may seem a bit simplistic, but here is an illustration of what I mean….think about Eeyore and Pooh, they are very good at accepting each other’s moods and world views without trying to bring the other up or down.  Letting your friend know that you find it hard to listen to her criticisms or worst-case scenarios may help the situation.  She may not have considered the impact her negativity is having on you.  You don’t have to participate in critical or worst case scenario conversations.  You could try changing the subject, making a brief interruption such as excusing yourself to make tea, or more boldly, telling your friend that you aren’t going to continue the conversation in this way.  Nobody is negative all the time.  Respond to her more positive comments while passing over the negative ones.  In this way you encourage and give energy to more pleasant conversation while letting the negative bits fall flat.  I will suggest the use of humour most cautiously.  With proper timing and delivery gentle humour can be a wonderful way to shift negative energy.  Only use this if you can do so without criticizing, insulting, or otherwise hurting your friend. Limiting the time you spend together might also help.  Spending fewer and shorter periods of time together obviously limits your exposure to negativity.  So, instead of spending the whole day together, try doing things that have a clear end time such as going for lunch, or out for coffee.  Inviting others to join you could also be useful.  That way, the negative energy is diluted and more viewpoints are shared.  The balance in friendships needs to be that the good outweighs the bad.  If the problem is severe, detrimental to you, and unchanging, it may be time to consider whether you are able to continue in the friendship.

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Change Difficult, But Also Look For Opportunities

Posted on February 19, 2015 by | Leave a comment

Q: I usually enjoy the holiday season but this year I am not looking forward to it. During the summer my daughter and her husband separated. I have two grandchildren and they are going back and forth between their parents. My daughter has a new man in her life and he also has two children. My grandchildren will be with them for Christmas day. I am not happy about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do about gifts and all the things that have made Christmas special for my grandchildren. I kind of feel like just ignoring the day.

A: It is a very difficult time in a family when parents separate and the traditions that have developed over the years have to change. In your letter I hear sadness, and maybe a little anger, over the changes that you are experiencing in relation to your daughter and grandchildren. There is some grief involved in letting go of the ways in which you celebrated family holidays in the past and figuring out how you can continue to make them special under the new circumstances.  You have expressed concern about gifts and other things that have been part of your Christmas tradition with your grandchildren. I assume that one of your concerns is that there will be two other children with them during the holiday. If you have not done it already, I would suggest that you talk with your daughter about her Christmas plans. Rather than ignoring the day (which is an understandable response to your grief ), perhaps this could be an opportunity to figure out how to continue your traditions in a new way.  This is likely very important for your grandchildren who are also experiencing a huge change in their lives. Your Christmas traditions with them could be one thing that doesn’t change. Having said that, however, there are the two other children to consider and including them a little would be a kind thing to do. While I realize that you have no relationship with them, they are also young people whose lives have changed and who are likely grieving what they have lost. Your daughter and her new partner can hopefully work with you on ways to honour your traditions with your grandchildren while also acknowledging the other children who will be there.  Changes in our families are difficult, but can also be an opportunity for creativity and for re-affirming our commitments to each other. I hope you enjoy the holidays after all!

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Recognize Communication Traps In Relationships

Posted on February 19, 2015 by | Leave a comment

Q:  Over the last while I have noticed that my husband and I have been struggling our discussions with each other.  I am not sure that it is any better or worse than anyone else but the struggles sure are beginning to bother me more and more.   We both seem to be more irritated and more easily frustrated by each other.  Right now many of our conversations, even ones you would think were simple and straight forward, seem to turn into arguments. I do not know what it is but during these times you can cut the tension with a knife. The rest of the time we get along great and we are able to work things out really well together. I would like to find a way to break this cycle before it gets worse. 

A:  Thank you for your letter.  As you note, many couples go through challenges in their relationships.  It is a function of many different factors and influences.  Without knowing more specifics about your situation it is difficult to know what sort of things trigger these situations for you. There are a few communication traps, however, that seem to be common in a lot of relationships when things are not going as well.  I will discuss a few of them below with the hope that it may be helpful for you.

Three traps appear with some regularity in the couples who arrive in my office for counselling.  These things tend to make the interactions between the couple more negative and seem to initiate frustration, arguments, irritation and tension.  These things certainly are not meant to be an exhaustive list nor are they exclusive to those couples who end up in counselling, Yet they are common enough that they are worth discussing here.

The first is what I call “talking at” rather than “talking with.”  When couples are frustrated and irritated with each other, they tend to stop listening to each other effectively.  They can begin to assume that they know what the other person is going to say and what the other person is thinking because they have heard it all before.  They can also start to interpret the other person’s comments as a direct criticism or attack.  When this happens, individuals tend to respond defensively to other’s remarks and are often preparing rebuttals in their minds when the other person is speaking.  “Talking with” requires one person to be listening effectively while the other speaks.  When couples are “talking with,” both people are working together to understand each other and to give each other the opportunity to express themselves.  When they are “talking at” they are both more concerned with making points than hearing what the other person thinks or feels in that moment.

Secondly, couples who are finding themselves arguing a lot are often engaged in debating solutions as opposed to discussing their concerns and what their needs and/or priorities are in that moment.  When a discussion turns quickly to solution talk, we do not take the time to understand what each other’s view of the problem is and what is important to each other in any solution that we suggest.  Moreover, once we start debating solutions we fall into the trap of  defending our positions and trying to weaken our opponents position enough that our view prevails.  When this happens neither person in the couple feels heard, listened to or understood.  Both feel frustrated and irritated as a result. The discussion quickly descends into an argument and usually does not reach a resolution.

Finally, many individuals in a couple also report that there is an increase in negative, uncomplimentary internal dialogues that occurs in each of their heads when they are feeling stuck..  I often refer to this as their ‘tape.’  The tape often starts to play when we are irritated, frustrated, stressed and tired (to name a few times).  When the tape plays it sets us up to respond in negative ways to each other because we have already drawn negative conclusions about the other person’s motives, attitude, character . . . (fill in the blank).  Each of us will recognize when our spouse’s tape is playing because they are moodier, more difficult to communicate with and shorter in their responses to us just as we are when our own tapes are playing.

The way out of each of these traps is to recognize when they are a factor and to try to escape their grips.  We need to stop listening to the tape as best we can, talk about the problem first before we try to move to solutions and talk ‘with’ rather than ‘at’ each other.  In the end, whether these traps are what is creating your and your husband’s struggles or it is some thing else, the most powerful trap busters are talking about how you are interacting with each other and how it makes each of you feel.  This moves the conversation away from the things we are fighting about to a discussion about the ways in which we are interacting with each other. Once we can talk more effectively about how we are interacting with each other it is often very easy to return to resolving some of the issues that have been getting in our way.

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Explore Various Topics In Premarital Counselling

Posted on October 15, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q: My fiancé and are I planning to be married in the new year. I have heard about premarital counselling and want to know if it is beneficial.  We do not have any major problems, but we have both been previously married and want to start this relationship off right.

A: You ask a very good question and one that not a lot of people put the time or energy into answering. First of all, for those who are unfamiliar with premarital counselling, allow me to explain what it is.  Premarital counselling is a specific type of counselling used to help couples prepare for marriage.  Normally it is 6-8 sessions in length and involves both members of the couple meeting with a counsellor to discuss a range of topics that will, inevitably, come up in marriage.  These topics may include beliefs and values, roles in the relationship, finances, communication, and life stressors, to name a few.  It is sometimes a requirement by spiritual leaders who will be conducting the marriage ceremony, although it is not specifically a religious therapy.

So, is it actually necessary? Most couples on the brink of marriage, are at the peak of excitement and happiness in their relationship, so engaging in therapy is the last thing on their minds.  The common perception is that counselling is only for when you are having major problems as a couple.  Or, couples may worry that engaging in therapy will be an admission that the relationship is not as “perfect” as they would like to portray.  However, premarital counselling is not about dragging up all sorts of problems to bring under scrutiny, or just a money-grabber for counsellors.  Allow me to share with you some of the extremely beneficial points of therapy prior to beginning your marriage.

To start with, engaging in premarital counselling shows a commitment to a thriving relationship, not a distrust in the stability of the relationship. Counselling allows you to proactively explore topics, which may not have come to the surface in a dating relationship.  Oftentimes in the start of a relationship, the romance takes priority and many couples overlook some issues which are actually important.  This is not an intentional oversight, but taking time to explore topics covered in premarital counselling may help to avoid these becoming problems down the road.  Secondly, and closely tied to the last point, premarital counselling is one of the greatest ways couples can prepare for what lies ahead.  Being aware of where your differences as a couple lie may help you not to feel blindsided if, and when, these differences do come to the surface.  Sadly, many couples wait until it is too late, and they are deeply entrenched in their problems before reaching out for help.  Premarital counselling can preventatively provide couples with skills to navigate their differences.  Thirdly, premarital counselling can be an incredibly bonding experience.  Exploring deeper issues allows couples to share their thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental manner.  Many couples find that they are drawn deeper together as they learn more about one another in this way.

I would definitely say that if you are interested and curious about premarital counselling, meet with a licensed therapist to discuss if it would be a good fit for you. It can be one of the most beneficial things you and your partner can to do prepare yourselves for a successful marriage.

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First Child is Being Left Out of Second Marriage

Posted on August 18, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q:   After 5 years of single parenting,  my son remarried. We were so pleased for him. He and my daughter in law then had a son together. We were over the moon when this happened.  What a gift to have 2 grandchildren.

What is troubling, is that my son and his wife seem to spend all of their attention on my grandson: the child they had together. They feed and clothe my granddaughter. They send her to school, enrol her in dance and such. It all sounds good, but apart from those kinds of things, they treat her rather poorly. All of their attention and nurturing goes to my grandson.

My poor granddaughter can do nothing right. It’s like they tolerate her, but she really is not part of their family. She has gone from being just the brightest spark you can imagine, to a little girl who really does look sad, and is starting to act out. It is heartbreaking to watch, particularly since her biological mother is not involved. She really doesn’t have a parent that seems to be interested in her. When we tried to talk to our son and his wife about this, they got very angry and defensive. It was made it clear that if we wish to see the grandchildren, we best not be commenting on their parenting. We are so sad that she is so sad. I’m dreading her getting older and asking us why they just don’t seem to care about her. What can we do to address this situation?

A:   This sounds like a very difficult situation indeed. Few things are more heartbreaking than to see a child go from being a bright spark, into a sad and acting out child. And few things are more difficult to do, then let a parent know that you have concerns about the way in which they are parenting. What a pity, but not surprising, that her parent’s reaction was one of defensiveness and anger. It is a delicate subject for any parent.

Given that you likely saw your son being nurturing to your granddaughter in the past, this must be very surprising. As a parent, it wouldn’t be unusual if you had some feelings of your own, related to how your son is being, in such a way!

But on to your granddaughter. In this situation there are parenting, grand parenting, step grand parenting, and step parenting issues. There are biological child and natural child issues. There are gender issues.   It is really complex!

It sounds like your initial goal, of getting your son and wife to look at their parenting, was not a useful goal. The reaction you received was anger and defensiveness. This may change in time, but for right now, the goal of having them change their parenting style might not be useable. There may be all kinds of reasons for this, given the complexities of this situation. Some you may understand, and others you may not. And it really doesn’t matter. Until anger and defensiveness are not the response you get, there is no room to manoeuvre with that goal.

So, what about looking at a goal that is more related to your granddaughter? It sounds like you want your granddaughter to sparkle again. You note the ways in which she is “taken care of”: food, clothing, shelter, school, dance lessons. These are important things. You also allude to a sense that she may feel like she does not belong, that she may feel unloved, and sad and acting out, as a result.

What would it look like to have the focus: the goal, be to ensure that your granddaughter felt loved, and had a sense of belonging, without it needing to be specifically from her parents?

It is best if those things come from a child’s parents. No doubt about that. But at the same time, children are also able to take in these things from other sources. Like their grandparents, friends, friends parents, teachers, etc.

Dealing with this situation may mean that you look at your own role as a grandparent, and decide what things you can do to increase her sense of being loved and belonging. As a grandparent, play dates are possible. One can be interested in those dance lessons, and attend special events, or even lessons, if that works for you. Regular communication strengthens bonds. Allowing her a place to express her feelings can be very special. (The book “How to Talk so Children Listen and How to Listen so Children Talk” is terrific for right now, and might help answer the question about how to address her questions as she gets older).

It might be helpful to google “resilience in children” for other ideas of how to both help her get her sparkle back, as well as develop ways to strengthen it in this very complex situation.

Focusing the goal on your granddaughter, rather than changing her parent’s parenting, may help them to ease up, and perhaps treat her differently – or not. Either way, it will be better for your granddaughter to have you all in her life. She needs you all.

 

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Having An Open And Honest Relationship With Family Can Be Hard

Posted on July 22, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q:   I am not sure what to do.  Some of my family members seem to have a lot of difficulty just being open and honest with me.  I do not think that they are trying to be mean but it feels hurtful and disrespectful. It makes our interactions uncomfortable and I am not sure what I can do to change this dynamic.  The situations themselves are not such a big deal and I would rather they would just be straight up with me rather than skirt around the issue or be dishonest.  When I try to bring it up to address it directly it often makes things worse than better. Oftentimes it turns into an even bigger mess and maybe I should just be quiet and pretend it is all okay.  However that does not feel so good either. The situation is damaging our relationships and I desperately wish things could be different.  Help!!

A:   I am sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now.  Family relationships can be tricky to navigate at the best of times.  It is always that much more difficult when you do not feel that you can have as close a relationship as you would like.

Honesty and openness in relationships is an important thing.  It is the basis on which trust and closeness is built.  Without that, the vulnerability that is inherent in close relationships is threatened and the relationships suffer because it is no longer emotionally safe to be that close.  In family relationships that threat to your vulnerability likely feels like a betrayal and damages your ability to trust the relationships in the ways that you want to. s work on Politeness Theory offers some interesting insights on this dynamic and a primer on the theory can be found easily by searching for more information on the web.

In the end, there are no easy answers to how you should deal with this.  Ultimately you cannot control the choices that your other family members are making about how they chose to communicate with you. They have their own reasons for what they are doing and in the absence of any feedback and dialogue about what those reasons are it is really hard to address them effectively.

You can, however, control the choices that you are making and the ways that you are engaging with your family members in this dynamic.  Make sure that you are not feeding it by making it difficult (through your actions, words, or reactions) for them to be open and honest with you.  Let them know how you feel, what your hopes and wishes are and seek some feedback from them about how they are experiencing the interactions.  Try to avoid blame, criticism or conclusions about their actions and intentions.  Focus instead on how you are experiencing the interactions and how you would like things to be different. Be curious about what is going on for them and model how you want them to be with you by letting them know what is going on for you in as open, honest and non-threatening a way as possible.

In the end, even when you do this well, it may not effect very much change.  Family dynamics and approaches to dealing with conflict or perceived conflict are strongly established patterns that are not easily disrupted.  However, regardless of the outcome (which you cannot control), if you have let people know how you feel in a constructive way, if you have been open to understanding what is going on for the individuals on the other side of the interaction, and you have invited them to participate in the relationship with you in a different way, there is not much more that you can ask of yourself.

 

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Recognizing The Baby Blues

Posted on June 20, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q: My daughter just had her first baby and we are thrilled. She and her husband are also happy, but she is quite tired. I realized now that I had baby blues after she was born but I didn’t know what was wrong. I want to make sure that if this happens to her she can get some help. What are the signs that baby blues are happening, and not just normal tiredness? What should we do if we see the signs?

A: Baby blues, or postpartum depression, happens to some mothers (and a few fathers) following the birth of a child. It is normal to feel tired as babies need a lot of around- the- clock care. It is also normal to have many feelings about becoming a parent and about the changes this brings to family members’ lives and relationships. Sad days, moments of feeling overwhelmed, and occasional regrets about the decision to have a baby are common.

Some signs that the normal ups and downs of becoming a parent are settling into a pattern of postpartum depression for a new mother can include sadness that doesn’t go away, loss of interest in things that she used to enjoy, withdrawal from contact with other people, negative feelings and thoughts about the baby, and serious doubts about her worth and ability as a parent. A new mother with postpartum depression may also have trouble with sleep that is not related to baby care and may lose her appetite.

If you see the signs that your daughter is struggling there are a number of things you can do to help. As her mother you are in a good position to offer her non-judgmental support and encouragement. You can help her be realistic about her expectations of herself as a new mother. You can offer practical help with household chores and baby care. Since sleep deprivation is one of the things that can contribute to postpartum depression you can work with other people around her to make sure she gets time to sleep. You can also give your daughter and her husband some time on their own as they have to work out how to be parents together while still enjoying being a couple.

If your daughter continues to struggle and you think that she is developing a postpartum depression then it is important that she seeks help. Her public health nurse and family doctor are good people to start with. There are also internet resources that offer helpful information. Talking with a counsellor or attending a group for new parents may also help your daughter and her husband work through their feelings about the transition to parenthood. For your part, offering your understanding as a person who has been through a depression and being sensitive to and accepting of her feelings would be helpful.

 

 

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What To Do When Playtime Among Siblings Turns Nasty

Posted on May 26, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q: Our children seem to have this love/hate relationship thing going on.  They want to play together and are great friends a lot of the time but then out of the blue the gloves come off and they are arguing and fighting over the littlest things.  We feel like we have tried everything to stop the scrapping but it does not seem to have any lasting effect.  Any thoughts you can give us to get our kids to stop scrapping and get along more would be great!

A: Thanks for your question.  This is something that comes up for many families to varying degrees.  I know at times it is something that I wrestle with around my own kids particularly when the arguing seems to have been going on for an extended period of time!

I do not know how old your children are, what the fighting/scrapping looks like and how it plays out in your home so it is hard to answer the question directly for your circumstances.  However, I think it is important to remember that some of our children’s developmental tasks are to learn how to resolve conflicts and get along with each other.  At home this means learning how to address, work through and respond to conflict with our siblings who we spend a lot of time with.  Children are not always going to be able to do this well and they do need practice in order to get better.

The challenge for us as parents is being able to tolerate how our children are learning to work through things with each other and to know when we need to intervene.  Sometimes as parents—and I am certainly guilty of this—we work too hard to stop conflict between siblings that is developmentally necessary and that we are unable to stop.  Some of the conflict and arguments are going to happen regardless of how much we step in, redirect, consequence or punish.

A lot of the times our children need to work through it themselves without our interference.  Our worry as parents is that we want them to do that appropriately and feel that we should intervene when it is not happening that way.  Our children can and do use this to their advantage at times and will escalate the situation to get us involved when they need to step back and resolve it themselves.  Often when we do not step in they can and do work it out successfully and move forward even though how they do that may not be the prettiest process.

So if we accept that the arguing and conflict is developmentally necessary and that children need to practice working it through for themselves, our jobs as parents shift a bit.  No longer is it our job to stop them from fighting but rather it is to make sure that they are not going too far as wrong as they sort it out themselves.  We need to set some limits and boundaries around it so that they are safe as they sort through it but then we need to get out of the way and let them develop their skills.

This is not easy to do and getting out of the way is easier said than done.  Certainly if they are hitting and attacking each other physically we need to intervene and make sure they are safe.  But if they are yelling and screaming at each other and it is difficult to stay out of it, ask them to go somewhere else to work through it (where you can keep an eye on them without being drawn into the middle) it rather than trying to mediate it.  Most siblings will sort it out and move forward in their play fairly shortly once they realize that is their only choice.  And, when they cannot, then learning how to take some space from each other until they can is another useful skill for them to practice in the safety of their sibling and family relationships.

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Student To Adult, Difficult

Posted on April 30, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q: I am worried about my daughter who is just graduating with a Bachelor of Science degree. She has been looking for a job but there just doesn’t seem to be much in her field. The more she looks the more discouraged she gets. She is moving back home and I am not sure how that will go because she really sees it as a step backwards. I am noticing that she is cranky and is spending a lot of time by herself, which isn’t like her. I know she still has some exams, but she usually gets together with friends to study and now she seems to be avoiding them. She also is avoiding talking to us. I want to help her but don’t know what to do.

A: The big transitions in our lives are sometimes difficult to navigate. Your daughter is leaving behind her life and identity as a student and moving into her life as an independent adult. As is often the case, her transition from one to the other is not happening smoothly. She has not been able to find immediate employment and therefore cannot yet support herself. This is distressing her and it sounds like she is withdrawing from the people who could be supporting her. It might be helpful for your daughter to understand that change is usually uncomfortable and that people generally do not like uncertainty. Your daughter would prefer to be going straight from university into a job, and the uncertainty of her job prospects are likely causing her to feel anxious. This is very normal. It might be helpful for your daughter to consider that tolerating uncertainty for a time may be the best thing she can do. Making a quick decision about something as important as a job, just to resolve the discomfort of uncertainty, may not be the best thing for her. Perhaps she can use this time to further explore the job market and any additional education that she might need in order to obtain employment in the area she would like. Your acceptance of this process, and your reassurance that what she is going through is normal, will likely help her. It sounds like your daughter may also benefit from considering what her daily routine will look like once exams are over and she has moved back home. She is returning as an adult and so you and she will need to talk about how she takes part in household tasks. Expecting her to join you as an adult will help her feel less like she is moving backwards. There are some things that you can encourage her to build into her daily like that will help her with the anxiety and distress she is feeling. These include regular exercise and socializing in ways that suit her. Perhaps she can consider working or volunteering even though her position may not be related to her degree. Having a routine is helpful when we are going through changes. I know that many young people are experiencing difficulty finding work in their chosen fields at this time. I hope your daughter finds her way.

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