Category Archives: Other

Getting Prepared To Help With Trauma

Posted on April 7, 2015 by | Leave a comment

Q: I have had a few people in my life over the years who have had traumatic experiences and I have tried to help them get over it. I don’t know if I did the right things and I would like to be better prepared if this happens again. There has been a lot in the media lately about PTSD and it seems like there needs to be more attention to healing trauma.

A: The issue of PTSD in our military members and first responders is certainly a big concern and is being highlighted in the media. These are folks who are frequently exposed to traumatizing events in the course of their work. Almost all of us, however, are traumatized at least a few times in our lives and learning how to support friends and family members through these situations is certainly worthwhile.

Very briefly, trauma occurs when a person is exposed to an event that causes them fear for their own or someone else’s safety (or life) and at the same time causes them to feel helpless to stop it. Following such an event the person may feel shocked, angry, sad, and fearful. They may have frequent nightmares. They may focus on the event and want to talk about it a lot or they may withdraw and avoid talking with others. If the traumatized person is a child they may repeatedly play out aspects of the event, sometimes to the exclusion of other play.

When considering how to support someone who has been through a traumatizing event it is important to check in with yourself about how you are doing with trauma and stress in your own life. It is possible to be traumatized by listening to another person’s experience and an awareness of how you are doing will help you decide whether or not you can hear the details of what happened. Sometimes helping another person find the resources in the community that can help them is the best thing you can do.

If you feel able to safely witness your friend or family member’s experience then here are some suggestions for providing support:

  • Let them know that you are willing to listen whenever they feel like talking. Do not pressure them to talk about it, but be available.
  • Be patient with their feelings. People who are dealing with trauma go through a range of feelings over a lengthy period of time. If they are irritable or cranky with you don’t take it personally.
  • Encourage them to maintain their usual routines. Take part with them in the activities that you have enjoyed together in the past.
  • If they are a child explain to them that it is normal to have big feelings such as fear and sadness and work towards helping them feel safe.

If you do not see a gradual improvement in how the traumatized person is doing then you will want to support them to seek professional help. Many counselors have specific training in assisting people who are healing from trauma.

Thank you for raising this question. I think it is an important one for all of us.

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Seek Support For Your Daughter’s Eating Disorder.

Posted on October 1, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q:    My 12 year old daughter is worried about being fat (even though she isn’t). She cries about this almost every day and I try to comfort her to no avail. She seems preoccupied with how she looks and how much she weighs. She sometimes refuses to eat because she doesn’t want to get fat, then other times, she eats far more than the rest of us. Aside from it being hard to watch my child suffer, this is causing a problem for the rest of the family. Meal times are not fun in our house. When school starts, I will talk to the school counsellor, but I was hoping you would have some suggestions for us in the meantime.

A:    I commend you for reaching out for support and information and thank you for sharing your experience. Your daughter sounds like she is struggling with her body image and adopting some abnormal eating behaviours as a way to cope. Watching someone you love go through this is difficult and can be stressful for the family. Sadly, there are many parents, families, and children facing these same challenges.

Social pressure to be thin affects everyone in one way or another and with social media sending these messages by the minute, it requires superhuman strength to avoid its effect. Even increased health consciousness in our society and a focus on low‐fat can place pressure on kids. It is no wonder children are more conscious of their bodies and afraid of being fat.

Teenage girls are the population most diagnosed with an eating disorder (this doesn’t preclude young males, however, as the rates of disordered eating and poor body image rise due to increased societal pressures on men to look a certain way). Dissatisfaction with their bodies may begin around puberty as they become more aware of their appearance and peer approval becomes paramount.

From severely restricting calories and overeating to binging and purging, or obsessions with avoiding “unhealthy” foods, disordered eating comes in many packages and can have the same negative effect on health.

For parents, it is important to educate yourself about eating disorders and body image for teens so you can spot the warning signs and seek support if necessary. The challenge is in managing your fear for the child’s health while providing a supportive and non‐judgmental relationship.

Take care in the manner you speak to your daughter about this issue. You are likely to be more successful if you keep your fear under wraps and avoid statements such as “You just need to eat.” Instead, try using an “I” statement such as “I am concerned about you because you aren’t eating.”

Your daughter will likely benefit from some extra relationship building at this time. Make sure to spend time talking about things that are important to her (not just about food and bodies). Pay attention to your own (and your family’s) beliefs and discourse on exercise, weight, and food.

Talk of negative feelings towards yourself, and talk related to disordered eating (i.e. I deserve this dessert because I exercised today), may have a powerful influence on your daughter’s attitude towards her body and relationship with food. Conversely, making the switch to a focus on strengths and behaviors related to health (versus weight loss) may provide the tools needed to navigate media messages of physical perfection.

Feelings of helplessness can overwhelm a parent of a child struggling with these issues. The good news is there are many helping professionals in our community and schools that can provide support, guidance, and strategies that will help both child and parent move forward. In addition to this, there are some fabulous websites that offer resources to parents, schools, and coaches (www.nationaleatingdisorders.org; www.nedic.ca ‐National Eating Disorder Information Center).

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Share Plan, Set Reward For Procrastination

Posted on August 29, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q: I wonder if you could give me some ideas about how to stop procrastinating. I am constantly feeling under pressure because I have left something until the last minute. I am also getting tired of making excuses and apologizing when something isn’t done on time or done very well. I would really like to be one of those people who gets things done and can then relax.

A: You have taken the first step towards breaking the procrastination habit by recognizing what you are doing. The next step is to figure out why you are doing it. People procrastinate for a variety of reasons. Probably the most common ones are feeling overwhelmed by a project and avoiding it, being generally disorganized, and/or having a tendency to put off tasks that are unpleasant.

Each of these reasons for procrastination calls for slightly different strategies for breaking the habit. If you are a person who feels overwhelmed and anxious and then avoids a task or project, you can reduce your anxiety by breaking the project down into small steps. Once the project is a series of small steps you can focus your attention on one step at a time. It could be that part of feeling overwhelmed is not knowing if you have the skills or resources to complete the project. By breaking it down you have the opportunity to seek the resources or learn the skills for each small part of your project.

If your procrastination is part of a bigger pattern of disorganization, then gaining skills in organizing yourself will be helpful. Knowing how to prioritize is important, as is being able to resist distractions. One of the best pieces of advice I received as a young person was to make a list of the things you want to accomplish in a day, put them in order of priority, and then begin with number one. As interruptions or distractions occur take care of them and then return to number one until it is completed. Work your way through the list by always returning to the item you are currently working on. There are a number of resources that can help people get organized. One is a book called “The Power of Less” by Leo Babauta.

If you are a person who tends to put off unpleasant tasks and fills time with other things then setting up rewards for yourself can help. The reward may be reminding yourself how good it will feel to have the job done, or it may be something more tangible like buying yourself an expensive coffee or taking time for a favourite activity.

No matter what you think the reason for your procrastination habit is, it will help motivate you to tackle it if you share your plan with someone else. Having someone who is both encouraging you and checking in to see how your plan is going will help you stay on track. And keep the picture of yourself as a person who can get things done and then relax firmly in your mind – it will help!

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Laying Awake Worrying Won’t Help Hurting Friend

Posted on March 28, 2014 by | Leave a comment

Q:  I have a friend who is having a really rough time.  There are lots of things going on for her both physically and mentally.  I know that she is in pain but there is nothing that I can do about it.  She has to make some choices in her life.  I’m sick of talking about it.  Trouble is, I’m losing sleep over worrying about her troubles.  I lay in bed and think about her suffering.  Over and over in my mind I see and feel her hurt.  I worry about what will happen for her.  I may be sick of talking about her troubles, but I do care about her.  How do I stop this?  It’s not good for me.

A: You are absolutely right in that the worrying about your friend keeping you up at night is not good for you – or your friend.

Worry is often based on false beliefs.  It somehow wants a person to believe that if they think long and hard enough, the problem will be solved.  That a solution will magically emerge.  Or, that there might be a perfect answer to a situation.  Or, that there is a way to solve something in a way that will not be uncomfortable.  That the solution will be easy.  These things are rarely true, if worry is involved.

Your friend will have her own journey through this. 

For yourself, let’s look at some specific strategies to use, to stand up to that worry at night.

First things first.  For the last time, review in your mind if there is anything that you could do (and would be willing to), to change this situation for your friend.  When you really know that there is nothing that you can do, put some energy into that thought. THIS IS UP TO (MY FRIEND).  THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. The act of putting some energy into that thought, and saying it in your mind as a statement of fact, rather than letting it take your energy away, will help you feel less helpless.  It will start to turn the tables on worry, because worry feeds on a person feeling helpless.

 As soon as you find worry sneaking into your thoughts say that thought, with that energy, in your mind.    Initially, you will likely find that you are saying it a lot.  That will reduce as you get more skillful at noticing when worry is creeping in, and stand up to it with that thought more regularly.  Remember that worry is often based in that false belief that if we think about something enough, the problem will be solved.  Nip that false belief in the bud, as often as possible, with as much oomph as possible. 

Now, it will be more possible to use your mind in another way, to feel better about your friend at night, while standing up to worry.  Start by recognizing, as soon as possible when you are in bed, that you are being bothered by worry.  Then, start to imagine your friend bring very comfortable.

 Perhaps you imagine that she has just had a lovely warm bath with lots of bubbles, scented with flowers that she loves.  Every part of her body is soothed.  She is tucked into the bed and every part of her body is supported in a way that she needs and most appreciates. Especially those parts that might be painful. Imagine how good that feels for her. The relief for her.

Put her in a safe place, in your mind, and then add things to her surroundings, for her to be as comfortable as possible.  Maybe you picture her in a feather bed, with a lovely handmade blanket, tucked right up under her chin.  Perhaps you know that she is allergic to feathers and wool, and you design for her instead, a memory foam mattress and blankets in her favorite colors that are non-allergenic.

Maybe you surround her with pictures, scenes, or music .  Perhaps you place her, in her safe place, in a country that she loves.  Allow your mind to look around the space that you create for her, and make it just as pleasing and wonderful as you can.   Take all the time you need.

When you have imagined her as comfy cozy as possible, turn your mind to your own sleep.  If you find worry creeping in again, remind yourself of how comfortable your friend is.  Go over the details of the comfortable and safe place you have created for her.  Then, return your attention to your own sleep.

What matters in this strategy,  is that rather than letting worry have you focus on her situation and suffering, you actively put your mind to positive, comfortable thoughts that YOU choose, rather than what worry chooses.  With your mind more at ease, it is more likely that you will sleep better.  Happy dreams.

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When Your World Is . . . . Flat

Posted on January 24, 2014 by | Leave a comment

 

 Q:  As we leave the Christmas season and all of its craziness and hype I have come to the realization that my experience of it was totally flat.  Not happy, not sad, not joyous, not miserable, just flat.  I am not sure what this is or if it is anything.  I think I have been having this feeling for a while now that I have noticed it.  I feel like I am going through the motions rather than really living my life.  I am going to see the doctor to see whether there is anything medical going on .  There have not been any big changes or events in my life that can explain how I feel.  My family and friends are all well.  Work is ok. Perhaps I am depressed, I do not know.  What do you think?

 

A:  The symptoms that you describe may or may not be depression.  Seeing your doctor to discuss what you are experiencing is a good place to start.  They are able to help you explore whether or not this is depression or is something else.

Once medical causes are ruled out, however, you may still be left with the experience of feeling flat.  As you say, not happy, not sad.  The question I think you are asking then becomes, then what?

There is a growing body of research and literature in an area called positive psychology that has been interested in trying to find an answer to this very question.  Martin Selligman, one of the founders of this area of psychological inquiry, suggests that psychology and its related professions have been focused on understanding and treating misery with the assumption that if we can eliminate misery then people will be happy.  He argues, however, that this has not happened.  Happiness has not increased.

Consequently,  Selligman suggests that instead of existing on the same continuum, that misery and happiness are completely separate things.  People do not necessarily become happy once their depression, anxiety or other condition is addressed.

Positive psychology argues that happiness is something that we can learn how to create and is something that we can intentionally improve with some focused effort.  Researchers have focused on five main areas that they suggest  contribute to well being and happiness.  these areas, although described differently by different researchers, are described by Selligman as: positive emotions, engagement, meaning, positive relationships and achievement.  When people have these things in their lives they report greater levels of happiness and life satisfaction and they experience greater health as compared to others.

This is still an emerging field of study and while the research is becoming more compelling, there are others who would dispute the findings.  Regardless, this research raises some interesting ideas that may or may not be of some help to you.  Using these five categories as a starting point for reflection.  You can think about whether or not there are things you can do to improve your experience in one or more of these five categories.  Positive emotion is about fun. Engagement is about having things that engage your mind, body and focus in positive ways.  Meaning is about purpose in our work and personal lives.  Positive relationships is about our family, colleagues and friends, and achievement is about accomplishment.  Are there things that you can do or start to do to improve your experience in one or more of these areas?  Are there areas that are less present in your life than you would like?  What are some small things that you can do each day to create more of these things in your life?

There are lots of resources and ideas from this area of inquiry on the internet.  Like many things on the internet, some of these resources are better than others.  They offer a starting point if some of what I have introduced here is of interest.

Regardless, talking with your doctor is a good place to start.  They will be able to help you rule out any medical causes and they will be able to provide you with some feedback and suggestions for further support.  I hope you are able to find something that helps you feel better soon!

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Not Everyone Celebrates Christmas

Posted on December 28, 2013 by | Leave a comment

Q: I read your article about spending Christmas on your own.  I would like to add that Christmas is not a tradition for everyone, including me, and that I find it difficult sometimes to convince people that I am happy on my own on December 25th.  I do appreciate that others invite me to join in their celebrations, but I would not be comfortable and would rather not participate. If you have any suggestions for convincing people that I really am okay with not celebrating Christmas please let me know.

A: You raise a good point. There are many different family, cultural, and religious traditions in this world. Sometimes, in our enthusiasm to celebrate our own traditions, we may forget this and assume that others are unhappy if they are not included.

Convincing others that you are just fine with spending December 25th  on your own may mean responding with a simple “no thank you, I have other plans” or it may mean sharing the reason why the Christmas celebration is not relevant to you. How much information you give as you decline the invitation will depend on your relationship with the person issuing it. Because someone pushes you for an explanation does not mean that you have to disclose personal information that you would rather not share. Recognizing that their difficulty in being convinced that you really don’t want to celebrate Christmas with them is likely coming from a genuine concern that you not be left out of the celebrations, you may try reiterating that you have other plans and are looking forward to them.

Your letter is a good reminder to us all that while being hospitable and inclusive is important, so is being respectful of differences. I hope everyone enjoys the upcoming holiday season in their own way.

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Learn How To Spend Christmas On Your Own

Posted on December 17, 2013 by | Leave a comment

 Q:   For the first time ever, I’ll be on my own for Christmas.  I’m just dreading it.  How does a person get through Christmas on their own without going crazy?

  A:   Well, there are lots of ways to “do” Christmas on one’s own.  Here is a list of possibilities that have been used by people who have spent Christmas on their own, or are planning to this year.  As this is the first time for you, start by acknowledging that it will be different from every other Christmas.  And different doesn’t have to mean bad.  It can just mean different.  Here is the list:

  • I record all of the Christmas movies on tv that I like and spend the whole day in my pjs watching them, drinking eggnog and eating popcorn.
  • I like to cook, so I plan a really nice meal for myself and take the time I don’t usually spend preparing something really special.  I’m looking for ideas starting in November – checking through magazines and asking people what they like.  I so look forward to actually eating the meal I’ve been planning.
  • I can’t be with my family so we set a time so that I can call them on Christmas day.  That way we ‘re all ready for the call, and they open the presents I’ve sent at that time.  We’re all excited at the same time.
  • I buy myself a present and wrap it really nice and just really treat myself the whole day doing things I don’t usually do, but like to do.  It is a “no chore” day, for me.
  • I stay in bed, cover my head with my covers and sleep the day away.
  • I have a regular volunteer thing that I do on Christmas day.
  • There is only one day a year that I go to church: Christmas day.  It puts me in a softer mood for the day.  After church I go for a long walk and just take in nature.  Sometimes I make something special for food, but mostly I am spending the day just feeling peaceful.
  • Mexico calls.  I plan my vacation to be away at a resort where someone else is looking after all of the Christmas stuff, and there are lots of other single people around.
  • There are a few other people I know who are on their own at Christmas so I invite them over.  We have a potluck dinner and play games.
  • In the past I would feel kind of ashamed that I was on my own, and not tell anyone.  That was really depressing.  Not being shy about the fact that I will be on my own Christmas day now, often means that I get invited to a lot of places.  Some years I go to just one person’s place.  Other years I drop in on a number of places.  I’ve got a Santa had that I wear with a big smile, and have a great day.
  • What is the big deal about one day?  There are 365 of them in a year, and every one of those that I don’t have to go to work is a good one.  Bonus if it is in the middle of the week.
  • Whenever I start getting into the feeling sad that I don’t have family to spend time with at Christmas, I remember what it was really like when I did have family at Christmas:  too much drinking, people fighting, tears… being on my own is better  any day.
  • I keep really busy in the couple of weeks leading up to Christmas with every Christmas activity I can fit in.  Come Christmas day, I am full up with Christmas and don’t bother with anything else.
  • I plan the day out really carefully so that I love every minute:  which music I’ll listen to , I plan a crock pot meal so that the nice smell of food fills the place, I save some really good books to read, plan when I’ll take my walk.  I treat myself really well.
  • I work.  Makes me feel good to know that others, who have family here, can have the day off.

So, there are lots of ways to move through a Christmas day on your own.  What is fairly consistent for people who enjoy the day regardless, is that they make some kind of a plan.  Many people have taken a few years to find what works for them.  Others have developed different traditions.

On the way to finding something that worked for them, people found that some years were better than others.  It was part of the process of finding what worked best.  This is no different than Christmas with others:  some years are better than others.

People who enjoy Christmas on their own don’t buy into the idea that the day has to be awful.

So it may be interesting to make some kind of a plan, and see how it goes.  There may be parts of the day that you enjoy.  There may be other parts where being on your own feels overwhelmingly sad.  However it is, the day will end.  You will have lived through it and be more knowledgeable about what works for you.

Best Wishes.

 

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Adults Can Have ADHD

Posted on December 6, 2013 by | Leave a comment

Q:  Someone has suggested that I have Adult ADHD. They said this because I was complaining about how disorganized I always am and how I am always saying and doing things I wish I hadn’t later. I have also noticed that I have trouble paying attention to things that I am trying to read some days. I know I had trouble like this as a kid as well as and have often wondered if I did have ADHD. I have never heard of adults with it, though, and wonder if this is possible.

 A: Yes, it is possible for adults to have Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Recent studies have shown that somewhere between 30 and 50 percent of children who are diagnosed with ADHD go on to experience the disorder as adults.

There are similarities and differences between childhood and adult ADHD. Both involve high levels of impulsivity, distractibility and an inclination to sudden strong emotions. The hyperactivity that may be present in childhood is less obvious in adults. Instead, adults are more included to complain of restlessness, irritability and difficulty relaxing.

The problems that you describe may suggest that you have a form of ADHD. They may old, however, be caused by something else, such as chronic stress or depression. These conditions can also cause problems with short-term memory, and therefore trouble keeping things organized and with concentration. One of the requirements for diagnoses of Adult ADHD is the presence of the disorder as a child. You say that you wonder if you had it when you were young, but it doesn’t sound like there was a diagnosis.

If you would like to explore the possibility that you suffer from Adult ADHD then you should consult your family doctor. They will need to know what your current symptoms are as well as what you experienced as a child. You may be referred to a specialist for diagnosis. There are no tests that can be given to determine the presence of ADHD rather a checklist of behaviour is used to assess the likelihood that you suffer from this disorder. If a diagnosis of ADHD is made, then you will probably be asked to consider drug therapy and/or counselling as treatments. ADHD cannot be cured, but treatment can certainly improve one’s quality of life.

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